I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’m sorry, but can you turn the music down?
I’m sorry, but can you talk into my good ear?
I’m sorry but I need you to face me when you talk.
I’m sorry but could you talk a little more slowly?
I’m sorry but I can’t hear you when you whisper.
I’m sorry but the captions aren’t working correctly.
I’m sorry but the loop doesn’t seem to be working.
I’m sorry. I’m deaf and I can’t really hear you.
Yikes. How many times a day do I say, “I’m sorry”? And why?
Is it that I’m a polite person and it’s a natural reflex to start a request with an apology for not accepting things as they are – even if they’re not in the least my fault?
Is it an apology for having a disability?
Is it because I’m female and grew up when females were taught deference?
Is it to deflect annoyance or a refusal on the part of the listener?
Is it because I have gray hair and people are often impatient with older people, so I want to block a “no, can’t do” response?
How did I miss that message from “Love Story” – Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Probably because it’s claptrap. We all owe our loved ones an apology from time to time.
More likely it’s a longstanding habit, a tic, caused by a combination of all the reasons just listed – I have a disability, I’m female, I have gray hair – and it was all exacerbated by my hearing loss . It’s also because I’m a polite person, and I don’t want to stop being polite.
But from here on, I’m biting my tongue when I’m reflexively about to say “I’m sorry but……”
I will keep saying “I’m sorry” when it really means something.
*
For more about hearing loss and hearing help, read my books SHOUTING WON’T HELP and SMART HEARING, available as paperback or ebook at Amazon.
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Katherine Bouton: Smart Hearing 
Katherine, this is brilliant! And so true. You should publish this somewhere.
PS Actually, love means ALWAYS having to say you’re sorry. Even when you’re not feeling it.
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Thanks! It was fun to write … liberating.
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brilliant, Katherine! I commented on the blog. **** I’m making a community library for a village in Uganda. Would you like to help? Buy a book (or more) from my wishlist! It will be automatically mailed to me. https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1IVDDYIU77W35/ref=nav_wishlist_lists_2
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BEAUTIFUL AND SO TRUE!!!!
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thank you anonymous!
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Canadians and Brits are especially known for the word, but I’m a yankee now living in the southland. And I am truly sorry — not that I have hearing loss, but believe it’s the polite thing to say when I’m interrupting someone who is saying something that may be important, by sharing that I need them to slow down, repeat, spell, or otherwise give me what I need to participate properly in a conversation.
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Of course. I’m just trying not to start every sentence with an apology.
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People often say to me ‘I’m sorry’ when I tell them I can’t hear. Not sure what to say to that. I even had a man on a flight pretend to sign to me when I said I couldn’t hear – he thought he was funny! But it was just finger gibberish…. It makes people uncomfortable when you say something but I can’t figure which is worse – just not saying anything or making it awkward. I’m sure I’ve agreed to many things inadvertently because I didn’t hear someone.
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Ditto about agreeing to things inadvertently! And how obnoxious your seatmate.
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I keep saying I’m sorry all the time… Not too long ago, I said to my wife: “I am sorry but I couldn’t understand that – and I should stop saying sorry all the time!”, realizing it’s not exactly a good habit. But it’s not easy…
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It isn’t easy, I agree. And sometimes it’s polite, but if you’re like me it’s like a tic.
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Terrific post, Katherine. I identify with so much of it. Sent from my iPhone
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Thanks Gail!
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I say “could you kindly…” Polite but not apologetic.
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Yes, that’s a good alternative. Thanks for the suggestion.
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My go to words “excuse me” while just as polite, is no better than your “I’m sorry” but I have enough on my plate than to have to now be aware of how I ask someone to speak to me!
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I’ve been saying it for decades — lots of other stuff on my plate are by now resolved. But I know what you mean.
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So powerful…so true. We should all make an effort to simply ask for what we need. Saying we’re sorry just perpetuates the stigma around hearing loss. Thanks for this important post, Katherine.
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My son was the one who pointed it out–I was making him uncomfortable and embarrassed whenever he heard the apology, which he didn’t think deserved to be an apology, and which I’d not thought about. I am indeed sorry, but privately, as with sometimes depressed, sometimes irritated, sometimes lonely. Publicly? My hearing aids are quite visible, quite noticeable, one of the ways I reject the stigma–I’m trying to help others understand. If they don’t get it . . . maybe they should be sorry.
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Totally understand what you wrote here, and it is an informative and educational one. I have been saying sorry for so many years that it has become a habit to send a message for them to be PATIENT and respectful to the hearing loss community. Have said excuse me several times but if I go not get it, I let it go…unfortunately because I do not want them to feel annoyed…
Good piece of article!
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